Coming out of the closet has a different meaning for me. Since I am a fashion designer let me see if I can candidly come up with a metaphor. It's like the saying goes "the hanger didn't do the dress justice."  I'm like the girl with the amazing dress in the closet and I don't wear it because I love my jeans and heels.

But I love to look at the girls in the hot sexy dresses. Is there such thing as a feminine-butch? I love to dress up, wear make-up, and do my hair. I love my hair long. I tried the short hair and loved it but it just don't go with my new feel. I'd rather wear Jeans and heels out to a nite-club rather than a tiny sexy dress. Weather has alot to do with it, either way I love my Jeans, black tank-top, and heels or cowboy boots. Love my boots!

I would love to have a relationship with a girl where I can be myself 100%, and meet an Angel who will love me to the stars and beyond. I know now that I am not interested in men unless they are giving up money, gifts, trips, and anything my heart desires. But I notice that I always get sick and disgusted by them. That is so strange. I become this man eater. lol.

I am hoping by writing this blog other girls who are confused as me because we are programmed, brainwashed, and scared into only believing God only wants a Adam with Eve, will contact me and we can go through this experience together. I am not afraid anymore. It's time to put on the Red Dress and say I am Gay!

I have just come to realization that I am deep down a lesbian. I like/love women. All my life I have been fighting these urges and feelings disreguarding the obvious.  Just like dating the men attracted to me, I did what was expected.  I was always curious and interested in boys as a child, but now that I think back it was only because the boys were older and of course tried to get into your panties even at age 9. When I lost my virginity at age 15 I only did it so everyone would leave me alone about it and let me in the "circle" sort of speak. I would lie to boys and say I wasn't a virgin, but they never believed me. So after 30minutes of having sex with my older boyfriend, I was over it and wasn't thrilled about having his huge black dick into my body. I realize now, that up until that point I had never seen it or touched his dick before. And frankly after it was all said and done...I hated it!

When I was 16 my BestFriend lived with me and we shared beds. I can remember pretending to be sleep and grinding on her leg as we slept foot to head. She was a bitch the only one time ever, I got her to play a trick on my friend and pretend we were lesbian GF's but she didn't play long. She wasn't my type either. But that is when I started experiencing feelings for girls. I remember growing up in the locker rooms enjoying watching the girls change into PE uniforms. How I loved looking at their beautiful breasts and hoping to be as beautiful as them one day. I fantasized over my PE teacher in Junior high she had a body on her, big tits and big Hair. Back in those days she was HOT!

I grew up Catholic, and my Mother was uber homophobic. She had a brother and sister who were Gay and she didn't speak to either. My Uncle eventually died of AIDS and my Aunt is still happily with her partner who is so supportive and beautiful inside and out. I love her what an inspiration they are to me. My younger brother is also Gay and I unfortunately not in a good way exposed him to the family. The way it all went down wasn't the way I had imagined and needless to say took many years to recover and fix our family. Since then both my Mother and older brother have excepted my younger brothers choice. We love him very much. So getting back to Catholicism...Being Gay in my family was a NO NO. I was scared out of my wits growing up even more after my younger brother went through his ordeal. Entirely my fault.

During the coming out of my brother my father took ill and passed away. My father died on Father's Day. He warned us he had stopped his battle with Cancer and was ready to Build his Castle in Heaven. Hard to take I had to say my good byes now and leave. I couldn't sit there with everyone else and watch my only Father die in front of me. Seeing that would have definitely put me into a mental institution. My mind was already unstable after many years of teenage abuse my emotions were unstable. Little did I know one way or another my life would change forever. R.I.P Daddy